It’s been a busy week for Shaunie Henderson. She recently released her first book, a memoir, titled Undefeated: Changing the Rules and Winning on My Own Terms, and she’s been on the move promoting it because it’s a work years in the making that came with plenty of stops and starts. And while there have been some recent headlines about contents within the memoir, Undefeated is not about Henderson’s exes, it’s not about spilling tea, and it’s not about becoming a trending topic. It’s about Henderson’s journey to becoming the woman she is now, a first lady, businesswoman, wife, and mother of five, and the hurdles she had to overcome to get here. We talked to her about this work, not letting labels people put on her bother her, and who Shaunie is now.
ESSENCE: What inspired you to want to tell your story in this way with Undefeated? People have learned some things about you from having your own reality show and from being seen here and there on Basketball Wives. Why was it important for you to be able to peel back another layer, a deeper layer, with this memoir?
Shaunie Henderson: I think it was just time. I started trying to write this book quite a while ago and I kept stopping because I just would get in my own head and get scared of sharing too much, and really sharing the other people’s story that’s a part of mine. So if that meant my parents or my siblings, my kids, it’s like I made the decision to write a book, not them. Maybe they don’t want this told, maybe they don’t want me to share my experience. But it was just time to do so because now that I’m a First Lady and what have you, I’m doing a lot more talking with women, with just people in general and me being me, I’m very honest and just share my story in intimate settings.
Every time I did it, people would just be like, people don’t know this about you, or I never knew this. This makes so much sense.” And my husband and some of my colleagues were just like, you really need to be totally transparent in your book and share because I think you would really help somebody. Honestly, that’s what Undefeated is, and the title speaks exactly about how I want the person to feel when they finish it because I share my journey. But it really is everybody’s journey. Everybody has something to connect with out of this book, to be honest. Whether it’s just falling on your face and being at the bottom of the worst part of where you think you feel in life, being there, or single parenting or family issues, whatever it is, it’s in the book. And I talk through my experience hoping it can show someone else they can also be undefeated.
You actually start the book by debunking the idea that if you divorce an NBA Hall of Famer, you’re going to automatically be rich. And for you, you chose to focus on rebuilding your life in a way that wouldn’t allow you to be financially dependent on someone again. That is not something I think everybody knew. So why was it important for you to go back to standing on your own feet and figuring out things in that way when so many other people would be like, I put in the years, I’m going to take this money because I deserve it.
And I want to be clear, there is no right or wrong way. So if there’s a lady or gentleman that feels like, no, I put in the time and work, I deserve this, that’s their truth. You know what I mean? And not that I felt like I didn’t deserve something, I just chose my peace over anything. So I chose my peace. I chose my peace so much that I didn’t even think about the money. I didn’t think about the stuff. I didn’t think about it until it was like, you’re not going to fight for this? The answer was no! My peace and sanity is so much more important. I had at the time five small children. Me being the best mom to them, me being just happier on the inside, was my choice. So whatever comes or doesn’t come with that, I’m willing to risk because I think just finding the peace, finding the purpose, finding out who I was and what I was capable of achieving out of that dark place has really shaped me into the woman that I am today. And I wouldn’t change a moment of it.
I didn’t have a manual on how to live that life or come out of it, but I did the best that I could. Were all my decisions the right ones? I don’t know, but they were the right ones for me because I promise you, I would not be sitting where I’m sitting and telling you that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in life all around without that journey and without those challenges. I took the challenges and I chose to make them into opportunities.
Knowing who you were, for instance, when you and Shaq first met, you were telling the story of how that happened, and you were literally working. When you met him, you noted that you didn’t want to be defined by the man you were with, but I imagine that that’s difficult. People have lumped you in a category at multiple points: as a basketball wife, and even now, some people might try to lump you as a pastor’s wife. And so I wanted to ask, how do you make sure that you stand firm in your own identity?
I think that I make sure to be aware, and I know who I am and I’m comfortable in who I am, and I show up for myself every single day. So I know I’m multiple things. Am I a pastor’s wife? Absolutely. Am I a mother of five? Absolutely. I’m so many things. So I don’t let the world define me. I don’t close myself off in a box because I check a lot of boxes and I’m okay with that. People used to always say and still do, “You’re Shaquille O’Neal’s ex.” I am. That’s true. You know what I mean? I’m not insulted. I’m not. “You’re a basketball wife.” I used to be and currently am if you want to just go off the show. I’m still on every now and then, so okay, that’s fine. So it’s like I embrace it, I own it, it’s my journey. In this book, I really share that entire journey and the different versions of myself in hopes of showing people that you can reinvent, you can change directions, u-turn, all the things you need to do during your life’s journey, and still come out undefeated.
Yeah, so true. But I must know, how has it been, if you don’t mind sharing, settling into being first lady of the Lighthouse Church in Houston with your husband, Pastor Keion as senior pastor? What has that experience been like? Because I’ve heard it can be a great deal of work and responsibility.
You know what, I’m finding so much joy in being the first lady of Lighthouse Church. I mean, I love my church so much. So I don’t mind. I like people, I’m social, I love loving on people, and I give the love that I would like to see them using as an example and go out and spread in their lives. So I’m hugging, I’m loving on, I’m sharing my story, I’m giving advice, I’m doing whatever because I find joy in helping people. And I love supporting a man who leads a community of people by example. And again, we’re all human. We’re going to make mistakes. That’s just life, and that’s just the way it is. But all in all, his heart is good. His heart is pure. His grace is, I mean, unmatched. And I love the space that I’m in. And I mean, we do it our way. This faith meets culture space is a space that gives us a platform to talk to people who aren’t always spoken to from a faith aspect. So there’s a whole culture of people who are interested in and want to understand this church world but don’t feel like the church is speaking to them. My husband and I intentionally try to be that voice that people who feel like they’re not being spoken to are spoken to.
And I know something mentioned in your book is this idea of a privacy bubble. We get glimpses of, for instance, your relationship with Keion here and there and you’ve done podcast chats together. We got to see your wedding take place on the spinoff special. But why is it important to have that “force field,” as you say, around your personal life, as someone married a second time. Why is it important to be protective of that part of your life, this new love that you have?
I really think that people are nosy. And after so many years of being with my ex, I saw so much and I saw people get close and not have good intentions. In the end, I saw trust being broken all the time by “friends” and even family. So I think I just built this level of protection around myself, around my family that is just now a part of me. And some people might be like, ah, that has to be lonely. It’s honestly not. I’ve mastered it so well that I still enjoy people. I still engage in relationships and friendships and things like that, but there’s levels to it.
I have a solid core friendship base of x amount of people who have been in my home, I trust with my kids, I’ll loan my car, whatever. You got those people. But I think that everybody else is on an outside layer of my bubble, outside of those core people. But it’s not a lonely place, it’s a protective place. And especially now with social media and all that kind of stuff, you just got to be careful. You don’t know people’s intentions. And the more we see, the tighter my bubble is. If it did have a leak, that thing is sealed up quick because people will betray you in a heartbeat for likes nowadays. And I don’t want to be in that number.
Yeah, no, I understand. Makes sense. And I also wanted to ask you, because you also touched on parenting and the scariest experiences that you’ve had as a mom in the book. And I wanted to ask you, now that your kids are adults what is it like parenting at this place? Are you more nervous? Are you confident in everything that you’ve instilled? Does it get less scary?
No, it stays scary. So let me just tell you that I don’t think that you ever stop. You’re never going to stop being, of course, you never stop being mom, but you’re never going to stop having that feeling of, are they okay? Where are they? My kids, four out of five, are grown, 21, and overgrown. And I still am looking on social media to see when they last posted. It’s not that I think they’re out wilding or making any horrible decisions, but we’ve all been 21, 22, 23, 24, and you’re just like, you want to save your kids from making bad choices and mistakes that you made, but you got to let ’em live. You got to let ’em experience. My youngest daughter just turned 18 last week, and earlier this year, she got a car. And I was like, as much as we complain as parents about all the driving we do, as soon as they get a car, then you’re like, “I kind of don’t want you to drive people out there. It ain’t you, it’s them.” You just want them to be safe all the time. And I had to get comfortable in this space. And thankfully, and she’s the baby. So it’s just like, I don’t want her not to have experiences and life experiences and bump her head and make mistakes because then you’re enabling them in life. So you got to let ’em live. But it doesn’t get easier. You just find a level of, I’ve got to let this happen. This is life. You got to let ’em live. You got to let ’em bump their head a few times and just be there when they need you.
You got to let ’em grow up. It is tough, but it’s an awesome thing. Motherhood is amazing, and I love every second of it, even when it’s hard.
That’s so awesome. And lastly, you said it yourself, there have been many iterations of Shaunie. I wanted to ask you, who is Shaunie now as you recount this journey that you’ve been on in your book? What would you say if you had to describe yourself to someone now?
I believe I am a mature, wiser, more aware, intentional, and goal-driven wife, mother, friend who really appreciates every single day and every part of it, if that makes sense. So I enjoy, and I’m intentional about everything I do daily. I look forward to so many things now. I find joy in being kind and loving on people, even if I don’t receive it back, so that I at least can be an example. I try to give out what I want to receive, even if I don’t receive it, and still appreciate the experience because everybody ain’t ready for that, right? But I’m still going to be true. I’m going to show up as myself and stand strong in the woman that I am today because I really am intentional about loving on people, supporting people, and trying to be an example. I don’t want to just be the person who talks about being better and you can rise up from a place and then not be there to support you, to stay in that risen place. I don’t want you to sink back down and keep lifting you up. I want to lift you up and be that support system if I can, to keep you there and to keep you uplifted. So yeah, I would say this Shaunie is extremely intentional about my purpose.
Undefeated: Changing the Rules and Winning on My Own Terms is now available wherever books are sold.
