Ladies, we’ve all been there before, neglecting your girlfriends for your relationship. But what happens when your relationship ends? How do you genuinely reconnect with your girlfriends again? We’ve tapped friendship and relationship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson for some advice. “The first thing I think a person should do after a breakup is to take a moment to realize, ‘Wow, I need to lean into friendships.’ You have to address the elephant in the room. If you have friends whose experience of your friendship during your relationship was that they were put on the back burner, then it helps to start with that. Many people are suspicious of that when you reenter your friendships after a breakup, so you have to confront that,” she says to ESSENCE.
Jackson believes that once you confront the issue, your friend will appreciate it, and now they have no reason to be suspicious because you let them know. She suggests apologizing to your friend for your absence if you need to.
So, what are some ways you can gain your friendship with your girlfriends again?
According to Jackson, one way to clock more hours with friends and be intentional is to let them know what you will do regarding activities. This helps friends buy in and do it with you. You can easily let a friend know you want to be more intentional about them, even when life gets in the way. Imagine being the recipient of that message. Your friend will likely lean more into the relationship because you have already removed the fear of rejection or ambiguity that people might experience in friendships. You’re making it plain and vocalizing that you’re pursuing them platonically.
She also suggests using her trusted ADORE practice. “It’s an acronym, but each letter outlines a research-based strategy that helps to deepen relationships. So, some of it is intuitive, and it’s what we know to be actively doing in romantic relationships, but we tend not to apply them in platonic relationships,” she states.
A: A stands for appreciation, which sounds so obvious, but research shows that we tend to say thank you to the people we are closest to the least often because we assume they should know. What are the things I could say or do that? The subtext is that I appreciate having you in my life; you need to actively look for ways to save it for your friends instead of assuming they know that that creates depth and emotional connection.
D: D stands for desire. How can I demonstrate that I desire you as my friend, meaning that I am actively seeking you? It can be as simple as initiating plans with you.
O: O stands for openness or vulnerability. There’s something known as the beautiful mess effect, which states that we tend to like people more after they’ve been vulnerable to us. So, how can you be more open in your friendship? Strive to create an environment where she feels safe to be open with you, not judgmental, critical, or determined to fix her when she makes choices that don’t necessarily mirror your own.
R: R stands for reliability. Give your friend tangible evidence that you can count on you, like not telling her business and keeping your word.
E: E stands for experiences, shared experiences. If you want more connection, you cannot get around without spending time together.
